Week 3 Power Rankings
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A tumultuous Week 2 concludes as the lay of the league begins to take shape. Read on to delve into statistically backed analysis as we separate the contenders, the pretenders, and the DuFrauds. Power Rankings are as follows:
1. Illini Pantry Bandits
I mean Christ. Does this fucking prick ever take a week off? Coach Goro's doppelgänger Ekeler allowed himself some rest, but the Bandits didn't lose a step, catapulting themselves to victory behind the other B. Robinson, who I'm sure won't come close to 29 points again until the rematch with HJR. Speaking of Jeep Repair, Najee Doolittle managed to sustain further injury to his little useless cock, despite Bijan Kono's best efforts. The Bandits face off against the Kank Tags next week, in what is sure to be a game I don't care about at all.
2. Rick's Bricks
Coach Stewie Gim had a clear and concise game plan in place for their matchup with Carmela Heinisch; make her squeal like a little Italian slut! Mike Evans trounced the washed allegations, picking up 170 yards on a Bears secondary that couldn't defend a Daaleman go route Sunday. The Bricks head to Kank to square off with the Diggers, with possible Game Of The Week implications.
3. 63rd Kingston Hypes
Now here is a feel good story that is sure to brighten your week. After finishing 10th last year, the racist 6'1 special needs phenom Tom Hull has whipped his team into shape. When interviewed by The Soup Times, Hull stated "Sometimes the boys just need to be reminded of who's boss. Especially those darker fellows". Although they didn't play this past week, expect big things from the Hypes coming out of the bye.
4. Kankakee Diggers
A 2-0 should have the Diggers optimistic heading into their bout with the Bricks, but don't tell that to reigning Coach Of The Year, Ethan McNiggley. Sources say his practices have never been more brutal, as each player must complete the Psi U Gauntlet in between suicides. McNiggley declined to speak to the media about these tactics. His players have taken to calling him the worlds next Urban Meyer. Despite their low scoring output, the Diggers are primed for a virtuous season. Let's just hope they don't get too big for their britches....
5. Kank Tags
The reigning champs shook the rust off in Week 2, dropping 140 points in what some called a must-win game. Coach Gary Slimeisch humbly called his team "the greatest rushing attack since the 2018 CG Trojans", but with star halfback Saquon Barkley possibly set to miss multiple games, Slimeisch turned to an unlikely hero. Tags Nation patiently awaits the announcement of Barkleys replacement, standout Nick Leathers from the Clawmson Tigers. He's expected to drink until he's pale and nonverbal before Thursday's kickoff.
6. NPC Juns
An extremely unfortunate turn of events for the promising young Juns team as Nick Chubb decided to forgo the rest of the season to play professionally for the LA Thieves. Once thought to be a lead candidate for the Soup League Crown, the Juns will have to muster everything they have to maintain their place in spite of the loss. If you ask me, the team is still reeling from last years fleecing from formerly Team Kaleshi. More to come on the Juns
7. Hutsonville Jeep Repair
Not sure exactly what to do with this team, they simply are not good. Aaron Rodgers purposely tore his Achilles as one last fuck you to Coach Sheen, as Garrett Wilson must now catch passes from the MILF hunter. DJ Moore and Najee are both adding up to be completely and utterly useless. Next team please!
8. Jim Rub Gynecologists
Take heed of this low ranking, as I don't believe they will fall this low again. The once formidable coach Dan Legada has his team sitting at 1-1, but their play has been uninspired to say the least. Lucky for them, coach Lickaba is infamous for his motivational speeches. A mic tap in the Gynecologists locker room was able to reveal part of Coach's speech following their tightly contested loss to the Diggers. "If you guys don't start winning games, I am going to kill myself with a shotgun", Lacada said, "and I'm serious this time. Dameon Pierce you will be the only one I mention in the note." Wow. Riveting stuff from an awe inspiring coach. Let's see how they respond.
9. Carmela Heinisch
You may laugh now, but once Carmela Heinisch's star and 1st round oick Cooper Kupp comes back from IR and gets hurt again the same week, you will laugh harder. This team is unserious, and I honestly take offense that they are participating in this league. Any self respecting coach would know this team was going nowhere fast, but let's see what Coach Dilly can whip up on the waiver wire.
10. DuFraudulent
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