Massachusetts Closing All Liquor Stores
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4/1/2020: Governor Charlie Baker signed emergency legislation this afternoon that would ban the sale of alcohol. The prohibition style bill will go into effect at midnight tonight. "COVID-19 is impacting people in so many different ways. I simply feel that eliminating alcohol sales will reduce the risk of mass panic," stated Governor Baker.
Reactions to Governor Baker's announcement came swift following the conclusion of his press conference. A physician at Mass General, who requested to be kept anonymous, stated, "Some people's addiction to alcohol is so severe that the effects of detox would almost be worse than contracting Coronavirus." Mary Hurley, a single mother living in South Boston, commented, "How does he expect us to survive. I have 4 kids at home all day. It's the only way I relax."
We will continue to follow this story closely and provide updates. We encourage our readers to be careful of the mobs already forming outside Massachusetts liquor stores.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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